What Can Help You Decide Whether to Stay in a Rotten Relationship or Leave?

By Doron Gil, Ph.D.

When you are dissatisfied with your relationship and experience endless arguments with your partner - what makes you stay? You probably might come up with various explanations justifying why you must stay in the relationship (for the sake of the children, because of economical reasons, due to other circumstances). But it also happens that there are noexternal reasons for staying - only your fears of being alone, of changing a life-style you have been accustomed to, of being criticized by others, and so on.

Here under is a typical dialogue between a couple. You can clearly notice how awful their situation is, but in spite it all they tend to stay together - without love and without mutual support. And you might wonder: why do they "do it" to themselves?

She: "We need to take care of extending the lease on our apartment next week."
He: "Next week is impossible. I have much work to do."
She: "Are you telling me your bloody work is more important than ensuring everything is fine with the lease for next year?"
He: "Don't be stupid! Don't be more stupid than what you already are!"
She: "I am sick of you calling me stupid! "
He: "So stop behaving like one!"
She: "The problem is that everything that is different from what you think, you say is stupid and you think that I am always wrong! This time we really need to do it next week."
He: "Well, you think - assuming that you can think! - that everything needs to be done the way and the time you think it should?"
She: "I don't want to start crying... I... "
He: "Well, don't start it again. You always do that. Just don't!"
She: "You bastard!"
He: "You can always leave; I've told you that a hundred times. Just leave, for God's sake!"

She feels she hates him. She hates the way he treats her; the way he always controls her; the way he insults her. But she doesn't leave.

These kinds of dialogues repeat themselves over and over again. At times you might think, oh well, the two still love each other. Indeed, at times this is the case. The two love each other and still treat one another badly and cruelly. But often this is not the case. The two just don't get along with each other; they disagree on almost everything. One of them is controlling the other and treats the partner like nothing.

But the partner still stays in the relationship. Whether due to fear of loneliness; insecurity; a history of past relationships which is an indication that the next one - if at all - will not be any different. So he/she stays.

No one says that leaving a relationship is easy. The question is, when it comes to your well-being, to your happiness and your quality of life, are you better of in a rotten relationship or by yourself?

It is up to you to decide. But you can make a proper decision only when you are aware of your fears and needs, of what might keep you hanging on to a partner which is not for you, in a relationship which is unhealthy and not satisfying. Only then - when you become aware of what makes you stay stuck in a relationship which is not good - you are able to make a conscious decision which will bring you to the shores of a better intimacy.

With the holidays and New Year approaching, isn't it a good time to contemplate what will be best for you, and make it one of your New Year Resolutions?

Doron Gil, Ph.D., an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships, is the author of: "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over Again and Learning How to Stop it!" Available as eBook and paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/

Dr. Gil has a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counselor and consultant. He has taught classes on Self-Awareness and Relationships to thousands of students, lectured widely on these and related topics at conferences world-wide, gave workshops and trained physicians, managers, school teachers and parents on how to develop Self-Awareness in order to improve their personal and professional relationships.